Oh my Father, the things you've been teaching me! I'm here to write them down so I don't forget your wonders and the lessons you teach your servant. may i never forget them and may they never leave my heart.
sienna, i'm talking to you and the presence of god.
remember the summer of 2014? when you worked at sbc? that lonely, somewhat miserable time? yeah, it made you pretty cynical with all the disappointment that came out of it. you went in thinking you were going to find a community of friends and possibly (although you wouldn't admit it) a man. you thought you were going to have the time of your life at camp! being a counselor was going to be the most fun job youd ever had and even on the rough days, it would be okay because your fellow counselors would cheer you on! ...that didn't happen, did it? you sorta made friends, but not until the end of the summer. you felt like an outsider the entire time and you weren't yourself. the worst part? you couldnt even blame it entirely on the other counselors because, while they were clique-y, they were all great people who loved others. it was your own fault. you didnt get to know them well because you didnt open up. you were quiet and shy. you werent yourself. then the camps werent nearly as great as you imagined. it turns out, having ten little girls under your care for a week is pretty exhausting! you didn't like to be exhausted. But one good thing came out of camp: your relationship with God flourished. you connected with him through the beauty of your natural surroundings as well as your loneliness. it helped you to love your campers, even when they were little devils.
This was God's first crushing of your idols.
You may not remember, but the semester after camp, you entered college with perhaps your hardest semester ever waiting for you. Genetics and organic. for the first time, you weren't getting A's in every test or quiz. no 100%. at first you attributed this to not studying enough (which was, at least partially, true) because you weren't as motivated to study as the year before. but then the 3rd organic exam came up: this time, you were determined to get a 100%. you were going to cream that exam. so you studied your buns off! every day you studied, and you know the material front and back. you understood that stuff! the exam comes and you feel confident. some of the questions are (dare you say it?) easy! you felt completely on top of things. your explanations, while not incredibly detailed, explained what was going on and you felt real confident on all the answers. you hand it in with a smile on your face. Then the grade comes back. ...86...86%? seriously? and because he curves it, you know someone got a 100%, but that someone was not you.
You pretty much lost it at that point. all your efforts were for naught. your looking at a solid B, hopefully B+, in the class. and there's nothing more you can do about it. you pretty much cried all day about it and got into a serious funk. like border-line depression.
This was God's second crushing of your idols.
Sienna, after a day of misery, which was yesterday for me, you realized your danger of falling into cynicism. you were afraid, because camp had already made you into a bit of a cynic with all its disappointments, and that wasn't someone you wanted to be. so you, though somewhat reluctantly, opened your bible and began to read about Jesus. and you know what? he responded. that hour you were transformed. it was subtle -- no flashing lights or cozy feelings -- just the realization that, while everything in life offers you disappointment, Jesus is the one ROCK on which there IS NO disappointment! for the first time, this really clicked with you. you read in John about Jesus loving us as his flock of sheep and laying his life down for the flock, and you were touched. deeply. and for the first time, you let go of school and friends. was it your doing? absolutely not! it was just so natural; as i read Jesus' words and prayed, it just happened. there was no self-will in the process, it was all God.
Praise be to the Lord God Almighty!
