So I want to begin a daily routine of writing down something God has taught me throughout the day. We'll see how long this lasts, but it's worth a shot!
Recently I've felt as though I'm in a bit of a funk. Probably because I'm on my period, but putting that aside, I'm not feeling "connected" to the girls around me... the whole "lost in a crowed" type of thing. But just a few days ago, I felt as though I was on top of the world relationship-wise. I felt love for all the people around me and displayed it to them. I felt social and vivacious. now i'm feeling quite the opposite. (writing this out makes it even clearer that it's mood-swings and menstrual-cycle related, but that doesn't make the feeling go away, and God is still teaching me through it.)
One thing that i've felt burdened on my heart this past week involves the girls on my floor. the fact that we won't be living together anymore in just a few months finally hit home, and i've been scrambling trying to build up the relationships that began last semester, but stalled there. i've especially wanted to build up my relationship with hennessy. she is such a strong woman of God, and she is so uplifting. but she seems to be going through a sort of "funk" herself, and isn't interested in building up our relationship, even though she always had been (at least before her spring break missions trip). for instance, tonight i was bored and lonely, so i went to her room. she had her three closest friends (including my cousin!) in her room and i plopped on the couch. but they just didn't seem interested in talking to me (besides my wonderful cousin, Andrea) and just talked about aspects of their lives that i'm not apart of (as in boys and crushes that i don't know about and don't feel close enough to ask about). this is totally understandable, but it made me feel more lonely and awkward, so i ended up leaving. but you know what, God was teaching me something. while i was still in their room, Lily walked up to talk. they didn't really include her, but i didn't either! me and lily were clearly the odd ones out, but instead of talking to lily, i kept trying to enter into hennessy and friends' world. i failed to recognize that they have their friends. not that that doesn't mean they dont want to be my friend, but they have a strong core group and they don't particularly need my investment. lily and heather have been slower in the making of friends. but i know they long for more friends, especially lily. and i need to be there for her.
God showed me today that part of my mission on earth is to befriend the lonely. to talk to those who dont have anyone. to make myself present and available for the least of these. at school, this means the men and women who aren't "cool". who aren't eloquent with their words or good at making friends. this means the people who don't experience love and acceptance by any particular crowds. this is something i understood as important back in high school, but i seem to have forgotten over the course of college. i've gotten into my own friend groups, which made me forget that loneliness is one of the worst feelings you can experience as a human. God has given me a taste of it, and i long to spread love and acceptance to those who are still experiencing it daily. for instance, the nursing home across the street. can you imagine sitting in a nursing home all day with very few people to talk to? God has called me to reach out to these lonely old men and women, these widows and widowers. He has called me to comfort them in their last days. and who knows, maybe He's also called them to pour into me and teach me a little about Himself, too. God has put it all into place: now He's waiting to see if I'll make the next move.
Friday, March 27, 2015
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Oh dearest father, thank you for friends like hope. thank you for giving me her to talk to and process throug what you are and have been teaching me. thank you so much!! you are so wonderful in giving us community to grow in and to keep from getting too caught up in ourselves. if i didnt have others to talk to about You, then i know i would become self-concerned and bigoted. i wouldnt care for others ideas, just my own. yet, in all your grace and mercy, you extend to us a community in which we can trhive.! lord, please help hope as she processes through what she's learned in india. lord, what a trip. what a tranatizing shock to see such poverty. of my lord, please lead hope in the way you wish her to go. help her to be able to unpack her mental baggage with her friends, and help her friends (including myself) to know how to help her. give us ears to listen and a tongue of peace and love. help us to get over any selfish ideas of gain and minister to her in the way she needs us to. lord, i pray for guidance in my own life. lead me in your way, my lord! i don't know where you want me... at sau, or at another school, or doing something different! what i do know is i feel antsy. i need to do something more for you... but what is it? what do you desire of me, oh god, my lord Jesus christ? please lead me in that. give me the strength to overcome the battles, the temptation of laziness. great are you lord. (also, please help haley on the exam she's working on. give her knowledge and the ability to recollect everything she studied. thank you for helping me on my exam. we love you.) lord, i praise you for what you have taught us all in speech class. thank you for giving me those people to grow with. help us to continue to grow together, if such relationships are profitable for your kingdom. lord, help me to love others. to make them feel special when i see them. lord, sometimes just a loving pat or smile or hello can be so special. i know this because i've experienced it from other people doing that to me. lord, help me to be willing to put myself out there and smile, say hello lovingly, and give them a gentle squeeze. and not just to some people, but to all. lord i pray for danielle. she... needs you, oh lord. use me as much as i can be in her life. i offer myself to you, jesus, as a vessel. use my life to impact hers, as i feel you drawing me to her. oh, how i long for her to feel love and undeniable acceptance. father, she isnt easy for any of us to get along with, so i pray for patience. strengthen me under your Spirit. that i may have a true and pure of heart love for her. she needs it jsut as much as i need it.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
1.6.15 (Future Husband?)
God, I don't know if I ever want to get married. Actually, I think I do. I think... I want to get married. Someday. But Father, I look at your calling, that we should leave all of our possessions behind for you and sacrifice relationships if need be, but how hard that would be as a married woman! Right now it's so easy to say that I'll give all my extra money to you after I graduate. It's easy to say I'll be a giving person, sacrificing the American "good-life" to live inexpensively in a small house so that I can give more to help the poor. It's so easy to say now, but I know it'll be harder to do when that day comes. A LOT harder. And having a husband and family will only make it harder. But I am a woman. And as a woman, I desire relationship and love and attention from a man -- special attention. But I want to live entirely for YOU! Oh Jesus... precious Jesus, MY Jesus...
God, You can do anything. You can work through anything. You are a merciful wonderful God who listens to the prayers of His people. Thus, I want to lift up this request to You, Lord. I don't know what's best for me. I have no idea. Infinitely wise Father, lead me in the path You know would be best for Your glory, for Your purpose. You fulfill me in a way no husband ever could. (Continue to fill me more that way.) Lord, if Your plan for my life is that of singleness, I gladly accept that. As Paul said, You can use me in many unique ways as a single woman. However, if this is Your plan, I pray for support. Lord, surround me during my singleness (whether it ends in marriage or not) with Your Family. Father, I ask for friends that can fulfill the need for deep, intentional relationship. I know that You have already given me that for this stage in my life. I have unbelievable friends who I can rely on forever. For as long as I stay single, I beg of you, provide relationships that will hold me up in Your will. Relationships that will support and push me to be a better Christian every day. I trust in You, oh Jesus, for you Yourself found support and encouragement in a body of friends and brothers. I ask for similar support, my God. I am not extraordinarily good at making friends fast, so I pray all the more for Your divine assistance.
But, God, if a special man ever does enter my life, I pray that he is of a character that is more in love with You than he is with me. God, these things I request, for I know You are a faithful God who hears our prayers.
A man who:
1. Loves You more than me
2. Cares for the poor and is willing to make sacrifices to follow our calling to help them
3. Loves me and can put up with my selfish, prideful ways, but at the same time can patiently help keep me accountable and to grow out of them.
4. Is willing to walk and grow in our faith together
5. Is bold enough to invite a stranger into our home (for Your glory, of course)
6. Loves to laugh
7. Loves people
8. I can be comfortable with
9. Isn't struggling with all the same things I am, so he can be an example for me to follow
10. Loves my personality more than my body (or hair :P)
To the glory of the Father; the honor forever to the Son; in all wisdom of the Spirit; Amen.
God, You can do anything. You can work through anything. You are a merciful wonderful God who listens to the prayers of His people. Thus, I want to lift up this request to You, Lord. I don't know what's best for me. I have no idea. Infinitely wise Father, lead me in the path You know would be best for Your glory, for Your purpose. You fulfill me in a way no husband ever could. (Continue to fill me more that way.) Lord, if Your plan for my life is that of singleness, I gladly accept that. As Paul said, You can use me in many unique ways as a single woman. However, if this is Your plan, I pray for support. Lord, surround me during my singleness (whether it ends in marriage or not) with Your Family. Father, I ask for friends that can fulfill the need for deep, intentional relationship. I know that You have already given me that for this stage in my life. I have unbelievable friends who I can rely on forever. For as long as I stay single, I beg of you, provide relationships that will hold me up in Your will. Relationships that will support and push me to be a better Christian every day. I trust in You, oh Jesus, for you Yourself found support and encouragement in a body of friends and brothers. I ask for similar support, my God. I am not extraordinarily good at making friends fast, so I pray all the more for Your divine assistance.
But, God, if a special man ever does enter my life, I pray that he is of a character that is more in love with You than he is with me. God, these things I request, for I know You are a faithful God who hears our prayers.
A man who:
1. Loves You more than me
2. Cares for the poor and is willing to make sacrifices to follow our calling to help them
3. Loves me and can put up with my selfish, prideful ways, but at the same time can patiently help keep me accountable and to grow out of them.
4. Is willing to walk and grow in our faith together
5. Is bold enough to invite a stranger into our home (for Your glory, of course)
6. Loves to laugh
7. Loves people
8. I can be comfortable with
9. Isn't struggling with all the same things I am, so he can be an example for me to follow
10. Loves my personality more than my body (or hair :P)
To the glory of the Father; the honor forever to the Son; in all wisdom of the Spirit; Amen.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
11/9/14
Oh my Father, the things you've been teaching me! I'm here to write them down so I don't forget your wonders and the lessons you teach your servant. may i never forget them and may they never leave my heart.
sienna, i'm talking to you and the presence of god.
remember the summer of 2014? when you worked at sbc? that lonely, somewhat miserable time? yeah, it made you pretty cynical with all the disappointment that came out of it. you went in thinking you were going to find a community of friends and possibly (although you wouldn't admit it) a man. you thought you were going to have the time of your life at camp! being a counselor was going to be the most fun job youd ever had and even on the rough days, it would be okay because your fellow counselors would cheer you on! ...that didn't happen, did it? you sorta made friends, but not until the end of the summer. you felt like an outsider the entire time and you weren't yourself. the worst part? you couldnt even blame it entirely on the other counselors because, while they were clique-y, they were all great people who loved others. it was your own fault. you didnt get to know them well because you didnt open up. you were quiet and shy. you werent yourself. then the camps werent nearly as great as you imagined. it turns out, having ten little girls under your care for a week is pretty exhausting! you didn't like to be exhausted. But one good thing came out of camp: your relationship with God flourished. you connected with him through the beauty of your natural surroundings as well as your loneliness. it helped you to love your campers, even when they were little devils.
This was God's first crushing of your idols.
You may not remember, but the semester after camp, you entered college with perhaps your hardest semester ever waiting for you. Genetics and organic. for the first time, you weren't getting A's in every test or quiz. no 100%. at first you attributed this to not studying enough (which was, at least partially, true) because you weren't as motivated to study as the year before. but then the 3rd organic exam came up: this time, you were determined to get a 100%. you were going to cream that exam. so you studied your buns off! every day you studied, and you know the material front and back. you understood that stuff! the exam comes and you feel confident. some of the questions are (dare you say it?) easy! you felt completely on top of things. your explanations, while not incredibly detailed, explained what was going on and you felt real confident on all the answers. you hand it in with a smile on your face. Then the grade comes back. ...86...86%? seriously? and because he curves it, you know someone got a 100%, but that someone was not you.
You pretty much lost it at that point. all your efforts were for naught. your looking at a solid B, hopefully B+, in the class. and there's nothing more you can do about it. you pretty much cried all day about it and got into a serious funk. like border-line depression.
This was God's second crushing of your idols.
Sienna, after a day of misery, which was yesterday for me, you realized your danger of falling into cynicism. you were afraid, because camp had already made you into a bit of a cynic with all its disappointments, and that wasn't someone you wanted to be. so you, though somewhat reluctantly, opened your bible and began to read about Jesus. and you know what? he responded. that hour you were transformed. it was subtle -- no flashing lights or cozy feelings -- just the realization that, while everything in life offers you disappointment, Jesus is the one ROCK on which there IS NO disappointment! for the first time, this really clicked with you. you read in John about Jesus loving us as his flock of sheep and laying his life down for the flock, and you were touched. deeply. and for the first time, you let go of school and friends. was it your doing? absolutely not! it was just so natural; as i read Jesus' words and prayed, it just happened. there was no self-will in the process, it was all God.
Praise be to the Lord God Almighty!
sienna, i'm talking to you and the presence of god.
remember the summer of 2014? when you worked at sbc? that lonely, somewhat miserable time? yeah, it made you pretty cynical with all the disappointment that came out of it. you went in thinking you were going to find a community of friends and possibly (although you wouldn't admit it) a man. you thought you were going to have the time of your life at camp! being a counselor was going to be the most fun job youd ever had and even on the rough days, it would be okay because your fellow counselors would cheer you on! ...that didn't happen, did it? you sorta made friends, but not until the end of the summer. you felt like an outsider the entire time and you weren't yourself. the worst part? you couldnt even blame it entirely on the other counselors because, while they were clique-y, they were all great people who loved others. it was your own fault. you didnt get to know them well because you didnt open up. you were quiet and shy. you werent yourself. then the camps werent nearly as great as you imagined. it turns out, having ten little girls under your care for a week is pretty exhausting! you didn't like to be exhausted. But one good thing came out of camp: your relationship with God flourished. you connected with him through the beauty of your natural surroundings as well as your loneliness. it helped you to love your campers, even when they were little devils.
This was God's first crushing of your idols.
You may not remember, but the semester after camp, you entered college with perhaps your hardest semester ever waiting for you. Genetics and organic. for the first time, you weren't getting A's in every test or quiz. no 100%. at first you attributed this to not studying enough (which was, at least partially, true) because you weren't as motivated to study as the year before. but then the 3rd organic exam came up: this time, you were determined to get a 100%. you were going to cream that exam. so you studied your buns off! every day you studied, and you know the material front and back. you understood that stuff! the exam comes and you feel confident. some of the questions are (dare you say it?) easy! you felt completely on top of things. your explanations, while not incredibly detailed, explained what was going on and you felt real confident on all the answers. you hand it in with a smile on your face. Then the grade comes back. ...86...86%? seriously? and because he curves it, you know someone got a 100%, but that someone was not you.
You pretty much lost it at that point. all your efforts were for naught. your looking at a solid B, hopefully B+, in the class. and there's nothing more you can do about it. you pretty much cried all day about it and got into a serious funk. like border-line depression.
This was God's second crushing of your idols.
Sienna, after a day of misery, which was yesterday for me, you realized your danger of falling into cynicism. you were afraid, because camp had already made you into a bit of a cynic with all its disappointments, and that wasn't someone you wanted to be. so you, though somewhat reluctantly, opened your bible and began to read about Jesus. and you know what? he responded. that hour you were transformed. it was subtle -- no flashing lights or cozy feelings -- just the realization that, while everything in life offers you disappointment, Jesus is the one ROCK on which there IS NO disappointment! for the first time, this really clicked with you. you read in John about Jesus loving us as his flock of sheep and laying his life down for the flock, and you were touched. deeply. and for the first time, you let go of school and friends. was it your doing? absolutely not! it was just so natural; as i read Jesus' words and prayed, it just happened. there was no self-will in the process, it was all God.
Praise be to the Lord God Almighty!
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
7/1/14
Dear Father,
Thank you for such a beautiful day. thank you for the cooler weather and the sunshine. you really do make all things good. you are the God of Corrie ten boom and the God who saved them mfrom the prison camps and the hands of men. it was of no power -- not the power of the Nazis or of the women or any other living or made thing -- besides Yours. What wonderful love you must have if you love more than betsie! oh Father, I admire the love and faithfulness of such a woman. guide me as you lead her to love as you do, forgive as you do, and trust you completely. what a wonderful Lord you are, the only true God and the One who holds all power, on earth and in heaven. Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name be the glory because of your lovingkindness, because of your truth (Ps. 115:1).
Father, I ask for your help. next week I'll have another group of campers, whether new or old, overnight or day camp. Lord, I cannot lead them in your way. I cannot. May YOU lead them through me, o God. dwell within me that the girls (and boys) may get a glimpse of your love shining out of me. give me strength next week. prepare me now so that i can better service the boys and girls. give me YOUr love for each and every one of my campers, for next week and for the rest of the summer. lead me, and may all that I do point to you in glory.
Father, I also want to pray for my floor this upcoming school year. I found out my cousin is on it!! thank you, God! i'm so excited! be with us in our relationship; help it to grow and blossom into something wonderful in Your eyes. Lord, give me strength as the SLA on the floor. be with me and help keep my spirits up and encourage me in the Spirit. be with me and Haley. Lord, not us, but may you bind the girls of our floor together in unity. May we remember that we cannot do anything by human strength. it must be you who draws us together (and others to us). Keep us humble in remembrance that You have the power. May I love those girls as You love them.
Father, bless all the girls i had in my cabin last week -- Sydney, Madeline, Hailey, Grace, Erin, Abby, and Ellie. be with them Lord and use their experiences at camp for your glory, whether it's an experience they had with me or not. keep them, Llord. please show them their need for a savior and grow them in relationship with you. thank you for giving them to me last week. what a wonder and joy they were. thank you for forming such beautiful creatures. you are truly an amazing, wonderful God.
Thank you for such a beautiful day. thank you for the cooler weather and the sunshine. you really do make all things good. you are the God of Corrie ten boom and the God who saved them mfrom the prison camps and the hands of men. it was of no power -- not the power of the Nazis or of the women or any other living or made thing -- besides Yours. What wonderful love you must have if you love more than betsie! oh Father, I admire the love and faithfulness of such a woman. guide me as you lead her to love as you do, forgive as you do, and trust you completely. what a wonderful Lord you are, the only true God and the One who holds all power, on earth and in heaven. Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name be the glory because of your lovingkindness, because of your truth (Ps. 115:1).
Father, I ask for your help. next week I'll have another group of campers, whether new or old, overnight or day camp. Lord, I cannot lead them in your way. I cannot. May YOU lead them through me, o God. dwell within me that the girls (and boys) may get a glimpse of your love shining out of me. give me strength next week. prepare me now so that i can better service the boys and girls. give me YOUr love for each and every one of my campers, for next week and for the rest of the summer. lead me, and may all that I do point to you in glory.
Father, I also want to pray for my floor this upcoming school year. I found out my cousin is on it!! thank you, God! i'm so excited! be with us in our relationship; help it to grow and blossom into something wonderful in Your eyes. Lord, give me strength as the SLA on the floor. be with me and help keep my spirits up and encourage me in the Spirit. be with me and Haley. Lord, not us, but may you bind the girls of our floor together in unity. May we remember that we cannot do anything by human strength. it must be you who draws us together (and others to us). Keep us humble in remembrance that You have the power. May I love those girls as You love them.
Father, bless all the girls i had in my cabin last week -- Sydney, Madeline, Hailey, Grace, Erin, Abby, and Ellie. be with them Lord and use their experiences at camp for your glory, whether it's an experience they had with me or not. keep them, Llord. please show them their need for a savior and grow them in relationship with you. thank you for giving them to me last week. what a wonder and joy they were. thank you for forming such beautiful creatures. you are truly an amazing, wonderful God.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
5.15.14
Dear God,
Thank you for making everything good. You are so great and high above me. i cry and whine about everything. even when you are answering my prayers! i truly believe that being sent home from school early with the chicken pox was, in a way, a blessing from you. I prayed for help on my final exams, that i would be able to focus and do well, and i think your answer WAS sending me home early. i know you had a purpose in there for Haley, too. help her through these next 24 hours. help her to study really well and use her time efficiently so that she can do the best she possibly can on the chem and stats finals. help kelly with her finals, too. keep them from distracting one another too much, and help them to maximize on their time left at school. i love them, Lord. help me to love them and everyone else in the same way YOU love them. thank you for the 100% me and Haley got on the lab evaluation final! I would not be here at all if not for you. thank you for the gift of LEARNING. Thank you that i can learn and thank you for blessing me with a love of learning. i cannot take it for granted knowing all the people who hate it and/or are incapable of learning. Lord, forgive me for all the sins i have committed against your name. help me to recognize the extent of your mercy and how great a gift it really is. having grown up in the church, i really take for granted all that you've done because i'm so used to hearing about it. i'm sorry for that. i'm trying to change. i can only imagine how frustrating it would be if the creation you made was so incapable of understanding your great power and mercy, even those who are instructed in it since birth. if we can't even understand (and we may even be the worst at understanding) how merciful and forgiving you are, then how can you even stand us? yet that is something that displays your glory even more. we are so so sos sosososososo selfish. all we care about is "being a nice person" and obeying the rules and looking good, when all we should care about is obeying and honoring you. Spirit, guide me in all I do. i'm so stubborn. part of me constantly resists you, Lord, whether its because i'm rebelling against the church and modern Christianity's view of you, or because i don't want to believe it's you. God, the pop-christianity is not for me.
Lord, how do i pray? i feel like all i do is demand things from you. my whole prayer revolves around ME, and that can't be how it's supposed to be. lead me in the everlasting way. i love you, Lord. to YOU be the power, glory, and honor forever and ever. take it from me that it may be placed onto YOU. Amen.
Thank you for making everything good. You are so great and high above me. i cry and whine about everything. even when you are answering my prayers! i truly believe that being sent home from school early with the chicken pox was, in a way, a blessing from you. I prayed for help on my final exams, that i would be able to focus and do well, and i think your answer WAS sending me home early. i know you had a purpose in there for Haley, too. help her through these next 24 hours. help her to study really well and use her time efficiently so that she can do the best she possibly can on the chem and stats finals. help kelly with her finals, too. keep them from distracting one another too much, and help them to maximize on their time left at school. i love them, Lord. help me to love them and everyone else in the same way YOU love them. thank you for the 100% me and Haley got on the lab evaluation final! I would not be here at all if not for you. thank you for the gift of LEARNING. Thank you that i can learn and thank you for blessing me with a love of learning. i cannot take it for granted knowing all the people who hate it and/or are incapable of learning. Lord, forgive me for all the sins i have committed against your name. help me to recognize the extent of your mercy and how great a gift it really is. having grown up in the church, i really take for granted all that you've done because i'm so used to hearing about it. i'm sorry for that. i'm trying to change. i can only imagine how frustrating it would be if the creation you made was so incapable of understanding your great power and mercy, even those who are instructed in it since birth. if we can't even understand (and we may even be the worst at understanding) how merciful and forgiving you are, then how can you even stand us? yet that is something that displays your glory even more. we are so so sos sosososososo selfish. all we care about is "being a nice person" and obeying the rules and looking good, when all we should care about is obeying and honoring you. Spirit, guide me in all I do. i'm so stubborn. part of me constantly resists you, Lord, whether its because i'm rebelling against the church and modern Christianity's view of you, or because i don't want to believe it's you. God, the pop-christianity is not for me.
Lord, how do i pray? i feel like all i do is demand things from you. my whole prayer revolves around ME, and that can't be how it's supposed to be. lead me in the everlasting way. i love you, Lord. to YOU be the power, glory, and honor forever and ever. take it from me that it may be placed onto YOU. Amen.
Monday, April 7, 2014
To my sweet Jesus, Savior in heaven.
Jesus, what wisdom and might you possess. what strength and nobility. someday we shall see you face-tp-face, and i pray that you continue your work in us, the church, your body and bride. oh Jesus, lead your servant. let me her follow you. keep her from the evil one, from the temptations that push at her every day. oh, it is so easy for her to remember your greatness during a sermon or song, but day-to-day and second-by-second presents a challenge that is immensely hard to overcome. remind your servants daily. hourly and by the second. Jesus, there is none like you. thepower and glory be to your name. you must increase, your servant must decrease.
John 12:26
"If anyone serves Me, he must follow me; and where I go, My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him."
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