March 29, 2014

Dear God,
1 John 1:6-7
"If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we are liars and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin."

God, i feel so rebellious towards you right now.  there is a hatred in my heart for you.  i despise your name and your decrees.  i rebel against your word intentionally.  i am a shame to those you call your own.  i am a worm and a maggot, unworthy of your calling.  unworthy of your love.  this seed of hatred permeates my being and i cringe at the thought of praying to you.  what has become of me?  oh god, i who once loved your name and your will, i who once wisehd to be just like you, am now a horrible being who rejects your voice and your commands.  i rebell against obedience.  i am no longer wishing to follow your every ordinance.  i am selfish.  look away from my sin, Lord.  bring me back.  oh, my humanity rebels against such a wish!  But i ask to be brought back to you.  i am no better than a maggot.  i am a maggot.  i claim to be such a good christian; i pray before every meal and i do my devotions, yet i do none of these.  oh forgive me, Father!!  how can i fix myself?  how can this be made new?  only through you, oh Jesus.  help me.  help me. help.  i want to follow you.  i know you are there.  i know ou are real.  i know i need you.  but i don't want to obey you.  but i do want to want to.  oh God.  i'm sorry.  i'm so sorry for being this way.  i wish i weren't.  i don't know what to do but to ask for your help and forgiveness.  i can feel that underlying despise of you within me.  i don't know where it came from or how to get rid of it.  i can't do it myself.
i am of the world.  i have not let it go.  i don't want to let it go.  but i want to want to let it go.  i still strive for human acceptance.  my drive to love more is to be loved back.  my drive to be a kinder person is to be loved by more people.  not to be nearer to You, but to be nearer to others.  i want more clothes.  i want more earthly belongings.  God, very little of my desire for you is purely because You are God and Creator of all things.  very little of my desire for you, Jesus, is out of love for what you have done.  very little.  Oh i'm sorry!  i'm sorry for being this way!  and i know that it will be incredibly difficult for me to remember this!  i will want to forget that my main desire for you is to gain social acceptance, to get your help so i can be smarter, happier, confident, wise, loving, and be loved.  i will want to forget that i am called to love You for your forgiveness, for creating me, for loving me, for DYING for me, for doing almost anything for me.  I'm sorry for my rebellion, Lord.  Bring me back.  don't let me forget.  don't let me, please.  help me to love You Jesus in the most pure and innocent way.  help me, God, to better reflect You.  help me to set aside my earthly desires.  help me to die to myself.  as many times as i need to.  oh God, i need to die to myself.  show me how to die to myself.  be gentle with me -- if that's possible.

Lord, I pray for Haley.  oh what a gift you have given me!  she is more than i deserve, Father.  help her to grow in her love for you.  keep her love pure and innocent, Lord.  keep her strong in the faith.  strengthen her love and wisdom and faith daily.  grow her in you.  speak to her through your word and through daily reminders of You.  Jesus, bless her.  bless her till death, and keep her beside you so that when that day comes, she may join you in paradise to praise and love you to a greater extent than we can while we're still on earth.  Be also with Kelly, God.  grow her in the Spirit and bless her and all she does.  Lead us all.  take us by the hand and lead us.  keep our love for you pure.