back-story: okay, today is thursday, so two sundays ago, a guy (we'll call him M) on campus friended and messaged me on fb. he basically just said that he thought my hair was wonderful, mentioning that he hoped he wasn't being creepy by saying so. when i got his message, i sorta flipped out a little, not sure if i was happy or disgusted to receive the message. at that time, i think i was mainly just weirded out. like, why would someone tell ME that? I never get attention from boys, so what is this guy up to? does he just do this to every girl? is he just a weirdo or is he just being nice? he messaged me 2 more times last week; it the first, he just seemed to be trying to recruit people to come to some event, and the second was an accidental message that was supposed to go to his dad. throughout this whole time, my emotions were going crazy! i initially had a little ego-boost high, like "wow, someone actually might think i'm attractive!" but then it crashed and i ended up crying out to God about how no guy found me attractive in any way and that i was a miserable wreck of a girl. man, M could've had no idea the turmoil he'd put me through just by one message. haha. anyway, he finally messaged me again last friday asking if i wanted to hang out or play pool with him sometime. i kinda flipped out. i did NOT want to go out with a guy i never talked to before, and i was WAY weirded out at this point. so i went to my RA about it, and she wrote up a message that basically said "hey, that's really nice of you, but i'm not looking for a relationship. thanks anyway." except a little nicer. but then he responded really nicely and said he just thought i seemed like a cool person, that he wasn't talking about a date, and he was sorry if i was creeped out. i told him i'd be fine being friends, but no more than that.
So, since then, i've been noticing that he's different than i thought. he actually seems pretty cool and like he's a solid guy. this week has been even MORE confusing than last. i've been up in the air wondering whether i DO want a boyfriend, or i DONT want a boyfriend, and it's just been kinda crazy. I noticed that i didn't want to lose this guy's attention or his attraction to me. not many guys seem to find me attractive, so it was something that made me feel uber special and pretty. but then i realized that this guy's "love" would never be like Jesus' love. M's attraction to me is going to fade away. it is. he isn't going to keep pursuing me (heck, i did tell him not to) and he's going to get completely over me and find another girl who he likes way more than he ever would me. BUT, Jesus will always love me. he loves me more than M ever could, and he'll love me WAYY longer than M ever will. only Jesus can fill that need for love in my life. This whole process has shown me that i am nooott ready for a relationship with a guy, but that my relationship with Jesus should be strong enough to compensate for the love of all the guys on the earth.
Dear God, thank you for putting me through all that. i love seeing how you answer my prayers. even though i have come to grips (with your help) with the fact that M's attention will leave, you have taught me so ooo much. i am more confident in myself now. i am more confident in YOU. and my love for you and others has grown so much. only by your spirit was this possible, Lord. you work wonders out of the most ordinary, small things, like a guy's crush. thank you. thank you for helping me walk out of this gracefully, instead of nose diving into a potential relationship with a guy i don't even know. without you, i may have said yes to that date (even if he didn't call it that). thank you for giving me great girls to help me through, and a fantastic Bible to read to help me remember that your love is enough. you're so great. God, I pray for M. I really do feel bad that he has to feel this rejection from me. it's a really horrible feeling -- i certainly know that. please help him to grow stronger in his faith in You through this as well. help him to come out of it in a deeper relationship with you and a greater capacity to love and cherish. help him to find a great girl who will fulfill the role of companionship, even if it's not me. be with him. sort out those confused feelings he may be having. give him friends to help. i know that i would not be NEARLY as clear headed about this as i am if it werent for my girl friends i had to talk to. THANK YOU for them, God. thankyouthankyouthankyou. i am so blessed. you are so great. help me to love others with a love that surpasses understanding. help me to love others as much/more than myself. equip me with your Spirit, God, that i may follow you in obedience today. let me feel your love, so that I can show it to others. let me feel your love now, so that on those days in the future when i don't, i'll still know it's there. help me to grow in you so that i don't need the feelings to know you're there and to obey your Spirit. equip me today with your love and care for others. equip me with your Spirit. and to you be the glory, power, and praise in my life and in all the world. AMEN
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