1.6.15 (Future Husband?)

God, I don't know if I ever want to get married.  Actually, I think I do.  I think... I want to get married.  Someday.  But Father, I look at your calling, that we should leave all of our possessions behind for you and sacrifice relationships if need be, but how hard that would be as a married woman!  Right now it's so easy to say that I'll give all my extra money to you after I graduate.  It's easy to say I'll be a giving person, sacrificing the American "good-life" to live inexpensively in a small house so that I can give more to help the poor.  It's so easy to say now, but I know it'll be harder to do when that day comes.  A LOT harder.  And having a husband and family will only make it harder.  But I am a woman.  And as a woman, I desire relationship and love and attention from a man -- special attention.  But I want to live entirely for YOU!  Oh Jesus... precious Jesus, MY Jesus...

God, You can do anything.  You can work through anything.  You are a merciful wonderful God who listens to the prayers of His people.  Thus, I want to lift up this request to You, Lord.  I don't know what's best for me.  I have no idea.  Infinitely wise Father, lead me in the path You know would be best for Your glory, for Your purpose.  You fulfill me in a way no husband ever could.  (Continue to fill me more that way.)  Lord, if Your plan for my life is that of singleness, I gladly accept that.  As Paul said, You can use me in many unique ways as a single woman.  However, if this is Your plan, I pray for support.  Lord, surround me during my singleness (whether it ends in marriage or not) with Your Family.  Father, I ask for friends that can fulfill the need for deep, intentional relationship.  I know that You have already given me that for this stage in my life.  I have unbelievable friends who I can rely on forever.  For as long as I stay single, I beg of you, provide relationships that will hold me up in Your will.  Relationships that will support and push me to be a better Christian every day.  I trust in You, oh Jesus, for you Yourself found support and encouragement in a body of friends and brothers.  I ask for similar support, my God.  I am not extraordinarily good at making friends fast, so I pray all the more for Your divine assistance.

But, God, if a special man ever does enter my life, I pray that he is of a character that is more in love with You than he is with me.  God, these things I request, for I know You are a faithful God who hears our prayers.
A man who:
1. Loves You more than me
2. Cares for the poor and is willing to make sacrifices to follow our calling to help them
3. Loves me and can put up with my selfish, prideful ways, but at the same time can patiently help keep me accountable and to grow out of them.
4. Is willing to walk and grow in our faith together
5. Is bold enough to invite a stranger into our home (for Your glory, of course)
6. Loves to laugh
7. Loves people
8. I can be comfortable with
9. Isn't struggling with all the same things I am, so he can be an example for me to follow
10. Loves my personality more than my body (or hair :P)

To the glory of the Father; the honor forever to the Son; in all wisdom of the Spirit; Amen.

11/9/14

Oh my Father, the things you've been teaching me!  I'm here to write them down so I don't forget your wonders and the lessons you teach your servant.  may i never forget them and may they never leave my heart.
sienna, i'm talking to you and the presence of god.
remember the summer of 2014?  when you worked at sbc?  that lonely, somewhat miserable time?  yeah, it made you pretty cynical with all the disappointment that came out of it.  you went in thinking you were going to find a community of friends and possibly (although you wouldn't admit it) a man.  you thought you were going to have the time of your life at camp!  being a counselor was going to be the most fun job youd ever had and even on the rough days, it would be okay because your fellow counselors would cheer you on!  ...that didn't happen, did it?  you sorta made friends, but not until the end of the summer.  you felt like an outsider the entire time and you weren't yourself. the worst part?  you couldnt even blame it entirely on the other counselors because, while they were clique-y, they were all great people who loved others.  it was your own fault.  you didnt get to know them well because you didnt open up.  you were quiet and shy.  you werent yourself.  then the camps werent nearly as great as you imagined.  it turns out, having ten little girls under your care for a week is pretty exhausting!  you didn't like to be exhausted.  But one good thing came out of camp: your relationship with God flourished.  you connected with him through the beauty of your natural surroundings as well as your loneliness.  it helped you to love your campers, even when they were little devils.
 This was God's first crushing of your idols.
You may not remember, but the semester after camp, you entered college with perhaps your hardest semester ever waiting for you.  Genetics and organic.  for the first time, you weren't getting A's in every test or quiz.  no 100%.  at first you attributed this to not studying enough (which was, at least partially, true) because you weren't as motivated to study as the year before.  but then the 3rd organic exam came up: this time, you were determined to get a 100%.  you were going to cream that exam.  so you studied your buns off!  every day you studied, and you know the material front and back.  you understood that stuff!  the exam comes and you feel confident.  some of the questions are (dare you say it?) easy!  you felt completely on top of things.  your explanations, while not incredibly detailed, explained what was going on and you felt real confident on all the answers.  you hand it in with a smile on your face.  Then the grade comes back.  ...86...86%?  seriously?  and because he curves it, you know someone got a 100%, but that someone was not you.
You pretty much lost it at that point.  all your efforts were for naught.  your looking at a solid B, hopefully B+, in the class.  and there's nothing more you can do about it.  you pretty  much cried all day about it and got into a serious funk.  like border-line depression.
 This was God's second crushing of your idols.
Sienna, after a day of misery, which was yesterday for me, you realized your danger of falling into cynicism.  you were afraid, because camp had already made you into a bit of a cynic with all its disappointments, and that wasn't someone you wanted to be.  so you, though somewhat reluctantly, opened your bible and began to read about Jesus.  and you know what?  he responded.  that hour you were transformed.  it was subtle -- no flashing lights or cozy feelings -- just the realization that, while everything in life offers you disappointment, Jesus is the one ROCK on which there IS NO disappointment!  for the first time, this really clicked with you.  you read in John about Jesus loving us as his flock of sheep and laying his life down for the flock, and you were touched.  deeply.  and for the first time, you let go of school and friends.  was it your doing?  absolutely not!  it was just so natural; as i read Jesus' words and prayed, it just happened.  there was no self-will in the process, it was all God.
Praise be to the Lord God Almighty!

7/1/14

Dear Father,
Thank you for such a beautiful day.  thank you for the cooler weather and the sunshine.  you really do make all things good.  you are the God of Corrie ten boom and the God who saved them mfrom the prison camps and the hands of men.  it was of no power -- not the power of the Nazis or of the women or any other living or made thing -- besides Yours.  What wonderful love you must have if you love more than betsie!  oh Father, I admire the love and faithfulness of such a woman.  guide me as you lead her to love as you do, forgive as you do, and trust you completely.  what a wonderful Lord you are, the only true God and the One who holds all power, on earth and in heaven.  Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name be the glory because of your lovingkindness, because of your truth (Ps. 115:1).
Father, I ask for your help.  next week I'll have another group of campers, whether new or old, overnight or day camp.  Lord, I cannot lead them in your way.  I cannot.  May YOU lead them through me, o God.  dwell within me that the girls (and boys) may get a glimpse of your love shining out of me.  give me strength next week.  prepare me now so that i can better service the boys and girls.  give me YOUr love for each and every one of my campers, for next week and for the rest of the summer.  lead me,  and may all that I do point to you in glory.
Father, I also want to pray for my floor this upcoming school year.  I found out my cousin is on it!!  thank you, God!  i'm so excited!  be with us in our relationship; help it to grow and blossom into something wonderful in Your eyes.  Lord, give me strength as the SLA on the floor.  be with me and help keep my spirits up and encourage me in the Spirit.  be with me and Haley.  Lord, not us, but may you bind the girls of our floor together in unity.  May we remember that we cannot do anything by human strength.  it must be you who draws us together (and others to us).  Keep us humble in remembrance that You have the power.  May I love those girls as You love them.
Father, bless all the girls i had in my cabin last week -- Sydney, Madeline, Hailey, Grace, Erin, Abby, and Ellie.  be with them Lord and use their experiences at camp for your glory, whether it's an experience they had with me or not.  keep them, Llord.  please show them their need for a savior and grow them in relationship with you.  thank you for giving them to me last week.  what a wonder and joy they were.  thank you for forming such beautiful creatures.  you are truly an amazing, wonderful God.

5.15.14

Dear God,
Thank you for making everything good.  You are so great and high above me.  i cry and whine about everything.  even when you are answering my prayers!  i truly believe that being sent home from school early with the chicken pox was, in a way, a blessing from you.  I prayed for help on my final exams, that i would be able to focus and do well, and i think your answer WAS sending me home early.  i know you had a purpose in there for Haley, too.  help her through these next 24 hours.  help her to study really well and use her time efficiently so that she can do the best she possibly can on the chem and stats finals.  help kelly with her finals, too.  keep them from distracting one another too much, and help them to maximize on their time left at school.  i love them, Lord.  help me to love them and everyone else in the same way YOU love them.  thank you for the 100% me and Haley got on the lab evaluation final!  I would not be here at all if not for you.  thank you for the gift of LEARNING.  Thank you that i can learn and thank you for blessing me with a love of learning.  i cannot take it for granted knowing all the people who hate it and/or are incapable of learning.  Lord, forgive me for all the sins i have committed against your name.  help me to recognize the extent of your mercy and how great a gift it really is.  having grown up in the church, i really take for granted all that you've done because i'm so used to hearing about it.  i'm sorry for that.  i'm trying to change.  i can only imagine how frustrating it would be if the creation you made was so incapable of understanding your great power and mercy, even those who are instructed in it since birth.  if we can't even understand (and we may even be the worst at understanding) how merciful and forgiving you are, then how can you even stand us?  yet that is something that displays your glory even more.  we are so so sos sosososososo selfish.  all we care about is "being a nice person" and obeying the rules and looking good, when all we should care about is obeying and honoring you.  Spirit, guide me in all I do.  i'm so stubborn.  part of me constantly resists you, Lord, whether its because i'm rebelling against the church and modern Christianity's view of you, or because i don't want to believe it's you.  God, the pop-christianity is not for me.
Lord, how do i pray?  i feel like all i do is demand things from you.  my whole prayer revolves around ME, and that can't be how it's supposed to be.  lead me in the everlasting way.  i love you, Lord.  to YOU be the power, glory, and honor forever and ever.  take it from me that it may be placed onto YOU.  Amen.

To my sweet Jesus, Savior in heaven.

Jesus, what wisdom and might you possess.  what strength and nobility.  someday we shall see you face-tp-face, and i pray that you continue your work in us, the church, your body and bride.  oh Jesus, lead your servant.  let me her follow you.  keep her from the evil one, from the temptations that push at her every day. oh, it is so easy for her to remember your greatness during a sermon or song, but day-to-day and second-by-second presents a challenge that is immensely hard to overcome.  remind your servants daily.  hourly and by the second.  Jesus, there is none like you.  thepower and glory be to your name.  you must increase, your servant must decrease.   

John 12:26

"If anyone serves Me, he must follow me; and where I go, My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him."

March 29, 2014

Dear God,
1 John 1:6-7
"If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we are liars and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin."

God, i feel so rebellious towards you right now.  there is a hatred in my heart for you.  i despise your name and your decrees.  i rebel against your word intentionally.  i am a shame to those you call your own.  i am a worm and a maggot, unworthy of your calling.  unworthy of your love.  this seed of hatred permeates my being and i cringe at the thought of praying to you.  what has become of me?  oh god, i who once loved your name and your will, i who once wisehd to be just like you, am now a horrible being who rejects your voice and your commands.  i rebell against obedience.  i am no longer wishing to follow your every ordinance.  i am selfish.  look away from my sin, Lord.  bring me back.  oh, my humanity rebels against such a wish!  But i ask to be brought back to you.  i am no better than a maggot.  i am a maggot.  i claim to be such a good christian; i pray before every meal and i do my devotions, yet i do none of these.  oh forgive me, Father!!  how can i fix myself?  how can this be made new?  only through you, oh Jesus.  help me.  help me. help.  i want to follow you.  i know you are there.  i know ou are real.  i know i need you.  but i don't want to obey you.  but i do want to want to.  oh God.  i'm sorry.  i'm so sorry for being this way.  i wish i weren't.  i don't know what to do but to ask for your help and forgiveness.  i can feel that underlying despise of you within me.  i don't know where it came from or how to get rid of it.  i can't do it myself.
i am of the world.  i have not let it go.  i don't want to let it go.  but i want to want to let it go.  i still strive for human acceptance.  my drive to love more is to be loved back.  my drive to be a kinder person is to be loved by more people.  not to be nearer to You, but to be nearer to others.  i want more clothes.  i want more earthly belongings.  God, very little of my desire for you is purely because You are God and Creator of all things.  very little of my desire for you, Jesus, is out of love for what you have done.  very little.  Oh i'm sorry!  i'm sorry for being this way!  and i know that it will be incredibly difficult for me to remember this!  i will want to forget that my main desire for you is to gain social acceptance, to get your help so i can be smarter, happier, confident, wise, loving, and be loved.  i will want to forget that i am called to love You for your forgiveness, for creating me, for loving me, for DYING for me, for doing almost anything for me.  I'm sorry for my rebellion, Lord.  Bring me back.  don't let me forget.  don't let me, please.  help me to love You Jesus in the most pure and innocent way.  help me, God, to better reflect You.  help me to set aside my earthly desires.  help me to die to myself.  as many times as i need to.  oh God, i need to die to myself.  show me how to die to myself.  be gentle with me -- if that's possible.

Lord, I pray for Haley.  oh what a gift you have given me!  she is more than i deserve, Father.  help her to grow in her love for you.  keep her love pure and innocent, Lord.  keep her strong in the faith.  strengthen her love and wisdom and faith daily.  grow her in you.  speak to her through your word and through daily reminders of You.  Jesus, bless her.  bless her till death, and keep her beside you so that when that day comes, she may join you in paradise to praise and love you to a greater extent than we can while we're still on earth.  Be also with Kelly, God.  grow her in the Spirit and bless her and all she does.  Lead us all.  take us by the hand and lead us.  keep our love for you pure.

3.2.14

Dear God,
Again I'm here about boys.  I don't know what i'm feeling.  i've come to grips with the fact that M is over it (I think I have, anyway), but i feel as though i'm in a weird place where i want his attention back, but at the same time i dont.  i feel insignificant again -- unattractive.  i've lost some of the confidence i had during the time M was interested in me.  i dont feel as loved by you anymore, which i know is ridiculous because it isn't your love that changes, but mine.  you are so consistent.  how marvelous you are, Lord!  teach me how great and consistent your love is!  help me to need no one but you!  help me to get over this little slump and love you (and others) more as a result!  I'm so selfish.  help.
Lord, be with haley in her studies.  she is studying right now, and i pray that you help it to all make sense to her.  bless her with understanding and memory.  please be with Kelly, too, Jesus.  her luck is so bad!  haha, it seems like if anything can go wrong, it does go wrong with her.  please be with her and show her how trustworthy you are.  keep her sane and help her in her studies.
I love you Lord.  please help us to realize your love for us.  to yo be power, glory, and honor.  AMEN