1-25-14

God,
Bryce has died.  how is it up in there in heaven with her?  she is with you, isn't she?  oh god, you are so merciful and mighty.  I have no doubt of your protection over her.  she is in a better place now, and I cannot wait to see her again.  what is she saying about her new pain-free existence?  how is she glorifying you this very moment?  I can't wait to do so myself.  are the dead out of time?  or will I see her soon myself?  will she hardly realize she's gone from us for long?  how does she behave in heaven?  is she more mature?  or is she the same playful, immature, fun girl she was?  does she still love dragons, fantasy, etc. as she used to, or does that somehow change in heaven?  are there books in heaven that she can read?  is she an author in heaven??  or a singer?  are all of her desires for love fulfilled I know that they are.  you fulfill them in a way no boy she sought for could.  is she eagerly awaiting the arrival of her parents and sister?  or is she somehow oblivious to them?  oh God, Jesus, Lord of lords, Lamb of God, she's finished the race of life and is now in paradise.  isn't it I who should be jealous?  I, who has had an easy life, relatively pain-free and full of love and joy, anticipate the day that I can join her in your paradise.  oh God, but i'm afraid.  I cannot comprehend leaving this place I'm in right now.  this house... this family... - will my mom be my mom in heaven??  I can't imagine it being paradise without her being my mom!  haha, but I know that it will be.  you have everything perfectly planned, and I can't wait to see it revealed!  How perfect and majestic you are!!!  I can hardly believe that you love us enough to prepare a place for us!!  O, How lovely is your dwelling place!  o Lord Almighty, that my soul longs, and even faints for you!  I will be there sooner than I expect, and I am afraid.  afraid of the unknown, but excited to see your face.  afraid I won't have accomplished enough for you.  but I know that you do not save based on works.  how can you do that?  if I have nothing but trust and faith in you, i'll be saved.  if I do nothing but believe but that's not right.  faith (belief) in you is dead without works.  I must trust your Holy Spirit's proddings and do as you wish me to.  I have faith in you, God.  help me, prepare me for doing your will when the time comes for drastic action.  many Christians often say that we have to take action for you... but what if we never feel called to?  they say that we need to do big things for you and leave everything we have and move to Africa (well, maybe not everyone says that, but it's the implied message of many).  but what if we're never called to that?  are there some people you never call to do big things, but, rather, it's the culmination of the little things they do that make up something great?  may I be ready for your call, Lord.  or for the lack there-of.  my soul longs to do something great for you, such as move to Africa and adopt 13 kids (like your servant from Kisses for Kate).  but what if i'm exactly where you want me?  am I?  Lord, my flesh fears change; it fears drastic action and moving out of its comfort-zone.  yet, you will call me to go out of my comfort-zone.  right now i'm in school.  is this where you want me?  how can I be completely ready to drop everything if you call me to do so?  I don't feel that calling pressing on my heart, but if it does come, give me strength!  it will take a lot of opposition by my parents (and wallet!) if I do so, but I am to "hate" my parents in comparison to my love for you.  and may money never, NEVER, sway my decisions.  God, Jesus, may I be open to whatever you call me to do.  you are infinitely wise.  I trust you, Jesus, with my life.  I have no idea where it is going to lead me; I have no idea what troubles will come my way; but I do know that you know.  you know what my life is going to look like.  you know what i'm going to do and how i'm going to die.  you know everything.  lead me.  holy spirit, enter me!  may I never forget that I am not saved by works (the law), but by faith (faith that trusts); also that my faith (faith that believes) must be proven through my works (obedience to you).

O my God!  my Lord, Jesus Christ!  by you may I live; to you be my life.  Glory, praise, and honor to Jesus,  Amen.