5.15.14

Dear God,
Thank you for making everything good.  You are so great and high above me.  i cry and whine about everything.  even when you are answering my prayers!  i truly believe that being sent home from school early with the chicken pox was, in a way, a blessing from you.  I prayed for help on my final exams, that i would be able to focus and do well, and i think your answer WAS sending me home early.  i know you had a purpose in there for Haley, too.  help her through these next 24 hours.  help her to study really well and use her time efficiently so that she can do the best she possibly can on the chem and stats finals.  help kelly with her finals, too.  keep them from distracting one another too much, and help them to maximize on their time left at school.  i love them, Lord.  help me to love them and everyone else in the same way YOU love them.  thank you for the 100% me and Haley got on the lab evaluation final!  I would not be here at all if not for you.  thank you for the gift of LEARNING.  Thank you that i can learn and thank you for blessing me with a love of learning.  i cannot take it for granted knowing all the people who hate it and/or are incapable of learning.  Lord, forgive me for all the sins i have committed against your name.  help me to recognize the extent of your mercy and how great a gift it really is.  having grown up in the church, i really take for granted all that you've done because i'm so used to hearing about it.  i'm sorry for that.  i'm trying to change.  i can only imagine how frustrating it would be if the creation you made was so incapable of understanding your great power and mercy, even those who are instructed in it since birth.  if we can't even understand (and we may even be the worst at understanding) how merciful and forgiving you are, then how can you even stand us?  yet that is something that displays your glory even more.  we are so so sos sosososososo selfish.  all we care about is "being a nice person" and obeying the rules and looking good, when all we should care about is obeying and honoring you.  Spirit, guide me in all I do.  i'm so stubborn.  part of me constantly resists you, Lord, whether its because i'm rebelling against the church and modern Christianity's view of you, or because i don't want to believe it's you.  God, the pop-christianity is not for me.
Lord, how do i pray?  i feel like all i do is demand things from you.  my whole prayer revolves around ME, and that can't be how it's supposed to be.  lead me in the everlasting way.  i love you, Lord.  to YOU be the power, glory, and honor forever and ever.  take it from me that it may be placed onto YOU.  Amen.

To my sweet Jesus, Savior in heaven.

Jesus, what wisdom and might you possess.  what strength and nobility.  someday we shall see you face-tp-face, and i pray that you continue your work in us, the church, your body and bride.  oh Jesus, lead your servant.  let me her follow you.  keep her from the evil one, from the temptations that push at her every day. oh, it is so easy for her to remember your greatness during a sermon or song, but day-to-day and second-by-second presents a challenge that is immensely hard to overcome.  remind your servants daily.  hourly and by the second.  Jesus, there is none like you.  thepower and glory be to your name.  you must increase, your servant must decrease.   

John 12:26

"If anyone serves Me, he must follow me; and where I go, My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him."

March 29, 2014

Dear God,
1 John 1:6-7
"If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we are liars and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin."

God, i feel so rebellious towards you right now.  there is a hatred in my heart for you.  i despise your name and your decrees.  i rebel against your word intentionally.  i am a shame to those you call your own.  i am a worm and a maggot, unworthy of your calling.  unworthy of your love.  this seed of hatred permeates my being and i cringe at the thought of praying to you.  what has become of me?  oh god, i who once loved your name and your will, i who once wisehd to be just like you, am now a horrible being who rejects your voice and your commands.  i rebell against obedience.  i am no longer wishing to follow your every ordinance.  i am selfish.  look away from my sin, Lord.  bring me back.  oh, my humanity rebels against such a wish!  But i ask to be brought back to you.  i am no better than a maggot.  i am a maggot.  i claim to be such a good christian; i pray before every meal and i do my devotions, yet i do none of these.  oh forgive me, Father!!  how can i fix myself?  how can this be made new?  only through you, oh Jesus.  help me.  help me. help.  i want to follow you.  i know you are there.  i know ou are real.  i know i need you.  but i don't want to obey you.  but i do want to want to.  oh God.  i'm sorry.  i'm so sorry for being this way.  i wish i weren't.  i don't know what to do but to ask for your help and forgiveness.  i can feel that underlying despise of you within me.  i don't know where it came from or how to get rid of it.  i can't do it myself.
i am of the world.  i have not let it go.  i don't want to let it go.  but i want to want to let it go.  i still strive for human acceptance.  my drive to love more is to be loved back.  my drive to be a kinder person is to be loved by more people.  not to be nearer to You, but to be nearer to others.  i want more clothes.  i want more earthly belongings.  God, very little of my desire for you is purely because You are God and Creator of all things.  very little of my desire for you, Jesus, is out of love for what you have done.  very little.  Oh i'm sorry!  i'm sorry for being this way!  and i know that it will be incredibly difficult for me to remember this!  i will want to forget that my main desire for you is to gain social acceptance, to get your help so i can be smarter, happier, confident, wise, loving, and be loved.  i will want to forget that i am called to love You for your forgiveness, for creating me, for loving me, for DYING for me, for doing almost anything for me.  I'm sorry for my rebellion, Lord.  Bring me back.  don't let me forget.  don't let me, please.  help me to love You Jesus in the most pure and innocent way.  help me, God, to better reflect You.  help me to set aside my earthly desires.  help me to die to myself.  as many times as i need to.  oh God, i need to die to myself.  show me how to die to myself.  be gentle with me -- if that's possible.

Lord, I pray for Haley.  oh what a gift you have given me!  she is more than i deserve, Father.  help her to grow in her love for you.  keep her love pure and innocent, Lord.  keep her strong in the faith.  strengthen her love and wisdom and faith daily.  grow her in you.  speak to her through your word and through daily reminders of You.  Jesus, bless her.  bless her till death, and keep her beside you so that when that day comes, she may join you in paradise to praise and love you to a greater extent than we can while we're still on earth.  Be also with Kelly, God.  grow her in the Spirit and bless her and all she does.  Lead us all.  take us by the hand and lead us.  keep our love for you pure.

3.2.14

Dear God,
Again I'm here about boys.  I don't know what i'm feeling.  i've come to grips with the fact that M is over it (I think I have, anyway), but i feel as though i'm in a weird place where i want his attention back, but at the same time i dont.  i feel insignificant again -- unattractive.  i've lost some of the confidence i had during the time M was interested in me.  i dont feel as loved by you anymore, which i know is ridiculous because it isn't your love that changes, but mine.  you are so consistent.  how marvelous you are, Lord!  teach me how great and consistent your love is!  help me to need no one but you!  help me to get over this little slump and love you (and others) more as a result!  I'm so selfish.  help.
Lord, be with haley in her studies.  she is studying right now, and i pray that you help it to all make sense to her.  bless her with understanding and memory.  please be with Kelly, too, Jesus.  her luck is so bad!  haha, it seems like if anything can go wrong, it does go wrong with her.  please be with her and show her how trustworthy you are.  keep her sane and help her in her studies.
I love you Lord.  please help us to realize your love for us.  to yo be power, glory, and honor.  AMEN

Dear God,
being a girl is so confusing.  i don't suppose my feelings about the whole M situation will stay consistent any time soon, because i have been reeling left and right about it since the day he messaged me.  Just please help me to remember that your love is greater!  that it IS consistent, and please help me to at least know that.  help me to know and feel it in my heart of hearts, in the depths of my soul, and to know and revere it so intimately (if that makes sense) that i need nothing else to sustain me.  fill me with Living Water, oh Jesus.  Jesus, ih how i love you.  equip me with your love and JOY, and send me out into your world to spread it wherever i am.  I love you Lord.  Amen.

2.27.14 #2

Dear God,
thank you for Hope's advice.  thank you that i didn't get into anything with M, cause he's already moved on to another girl!  i mean, good for him, but if he's just looking for a girlfriend, i don't want to be part of it.  thank you.  and thank you for building me up in you so that when that news came to me, i was completely fine with it.  but Lord, i feel weird, as though i'm getting too involved by praying for it, but i'm worried that if those two do get in a relationship, it won't be healthy.  God, ok, i admit, the only thing i've heard is gossip.  i'm sorry, maybe i shouldn't have listened, but if what they say is true, then this girl is coming out of a bad relationship.  maybe you've planned this for them, so that she can find a good guy and he can find someone who needs him (haha, obviously i'm not that person, although you used him in my life in a remarkable way). i ask you to help them in whatever relationship comes out of that.  help them to both grow in you through this, and even if it doesn't work out, help them both to come out better.  if their relationship grows and becomes marriage, i ask for you to bless their relationship.  God, you have brought and taken him from my life in so quick a time, but i thank you.  thank you!!  he made me feel special (even though i doubt he'll ever realize it) and grew my confidence and, most importantly, my love and relationship with you!!  So God, I pray blessing over him.  and this girl, too.  please help me to come out of this time of confusion over him with ease and grace.  God, you are SO GOOD!  so good.
Lord, I pray for Sarah.  she is such a great friend.  help her to grow in confidence, just as you have grown me in mine.  be with her and keep her safe.  thank you for helping her get into wellspring and for giving her such a great team!!  oh, she'll have so much fun.  it's so great.  blow her mind with your awesomeness this semester and summer.  help her to realize that you are all that matters.  thank you for getting us in the same NT class and thus becoming prayer/bible reading buddies.  bless her in all she does, oh Jesus.
Thank you again, Jesus, for loving me the way you do!!  you are so awesome.  thank you for everything.  to you belongs all the power and glory, Jesus.  Amen.

2.27.14

back-story: okay, today is thursday, so two sundays ago, a guy (we'll call him M) on campus friended and messaged me on fb.  he basically just said that he thought my hair was wonderful, mentioning that he hoped he wasn't being creepy by saying so.  when i got his message, i sorta flipped out a little, not sure if i was happy or disgusted to receive the message.  at that time, i think i was mainly just weirded out.  like, why would someone tell ME that?  I never get attention from boys, so what is this guy up to?  does he just do this to every girl?  is he just a weirdo or is he just being nice?  he messaged me 2 more times last week; it the first, he just seemed to be trying to recruit people to come to some event, and the second was an accidental message that was supposed to go to his dad.  throughout this whole time, my emotions were going crazy!  i initially had a little ego-boost high, like "wow, someone actually might think i'm attractive!"  but then it crashed and i ended up crying out to God about how no guy found me attractive in any way and that i was a miserable wreck of a girl.  man, M could've had no idea the turmoil he'd put me through just by one message.  haha.  anyway, he finally messaged me again last friday asking if i wanted to hang out or play pool with him sometime.  i kinda flipped out.  i did NOT want to go out with a guy i never talked to before, and i was WAY weirded out at this point.  so i went to my RA about it, and she wrote up a message that basically said "hey, that's really nice of you, but i'm not looking for a relationship.  thanks anyway."   except a little nicer.  but then he responded really nicely and said he just thought i seemed like a cool person, that he wasn't talking about a date, and he was sorry if i was creeped out.  i told him i'd be fine being friends, but no more than that.  
So, since then, i've been noticing that he's different than i thought.  he actually seems pretty cool and like he's a solid guy.  this week has been even MORE confusing than last.  i've been up in the air wondering whether i DO want a boyfriend, or i DONT want a boyfriend, and it's just been kinda crazy.  I noticed that i didn't want to lose this guy's attention or his attraction to me.  not many guys seem to find me attractive, so it was something that made me feel uber special and pretty.  but then i realized that this guy's "love" would never be like Jesus' love.  M's attraction to me is going to fade away.  it is.  he isn't going to keep pursuing me (heck, i did tell him not to) and he's going to get completely over me and find another girl who he likes way more than he ever would me.  BUT, Jesus will always love me.  he loves me more than M ever could, and he'll love me WAYY longer than M ever will.  only Jesus can fill that need for love in my life.  This whole process has shown me that i am nooott ready for a relationship with a guy, but that my relationship with Jesus should be strong enough to compensate for the love of all the guys on the earth.

Dear God, thank you for putting me through all that.  i love seeing how you answer my prayers.  even though i have come to grips (with your help) with the fact that M's attention will leave, you have taught me so ooo much.  i am more confident in myself now.  i am more confident in YOU.  and my love for you and others has grown so much.  only by your spirit was this possible, Lord.  you work wonders out of the most ordinary, small things, like a guy's crush.  thank you. thank you for helping me walk out of this gracefully, instead of nose diving into a potential relationship with a guy i don't even know.  without you, i may have said yes to that date (even if he didn't call it that).  thank you for giving me great girls to help me through, and a fantastic Bible to read to help me remember that your love is enough.  you're so great.  God, I pray for M.  I really do feel bad that he has to feel this rejection from me.  it's a really horrible feeling -- i certainly know that.  please help him to grow stronger in his faith in You through this as well.  help him to come out of it in a deeper relationship with you and a greater capacity to love and cherish.  help him to find a great girl who will fulfill the role of companionship, even if it's not me.  be with him.  sort out those confused feelings he may be having.  give him friends to help.  i know that i would not be NEARLY as clear headed about this as i am if it werent for my girl friends i had to talk to.  THANK YOU for them, God.  thankyouthankyouthankyou.  i am so blessed.  you are so great.  help me to love others with a love that surpasses understanding.  help me to love others as much/more than myself.  equip me with your Spirit, God, that i may follow you in obedience today.  let me feel your love, so that I can show it to others.  let me feel your love now, so that on those days in the future when i don't, i'll still know it's there.  help me to grow in you so that i don't need the feelings to know you're there and to obey your Spirit. equip me today with your love and care for others.  equip me with your Spirit.  and to you be the glory, power, and praise in my life and in all the world.  AMEN